Valerie's Weddings

Valerie, my son is getting married. I am single, so I asked my future daughter-in-law if my son could escort me down the aisle. I have seen this at many weddings and I find it charming. However, I was told I am not the star and should just go sit down. What is right and wrong here?

Unfortunately, this is not really a question of “wrong” or “right.” It is a very personal issue. I agree with you — I have seen a number of weddings where the groom walks his mother down the aisle. I have even seen grooms who have their mothers stand up for them in place of the best man. I too find this charming and very touching. It sounds like your daughter-in-law to be is determined to have the spotlight. Have you spoken with your son about it? Since it is their wedding it is ultimately their decision, but your son should have some input as well. If it does not work out, I would suggest just trying to be happy for him and enjoying the day.

Valerie, what percentage of invited guests can I expect to come?

The standard rule of thumb on the number of guests who will not attend is about 10 percent. There are many variables which affect this number — the size of your wedding, the location of your wedding, and the number of guests you have invited from out of town. It is not unusual for some of your guests who have responded that they will come to not show up. If you are spending a lot of money on the food for your reception, it is always a good idea to make phone calls to your guests to confirm that they will be attending. Most caterers and locations will require a guaranteed number from you about a week before the event, and you will not be able to lower that number if people decide not to come.

Valerie, how can I save money on food?

There are several ways to cut the cost of the food for your reception. The time of day is a key factor in saving money. Lunch prices are generally about a third less than dinner prices. If you plan an early afternoon ceremony, you can have light hors d'oeuvres or even just cake and punch for your reception. If you have your heart set on a dinner for your reception, consider having your event on an “off” date. It is harder for vendors to book events on Sundays and holidays, and most often they will give you a bit of a discount if you select one of these days.

Valerie, my sister is getting married in a few months. She can only invite 150 guests to the wedding and reception due to the size of the building and her budget. There are other people she would like to invite but just cannot. Is there any way to let these people in on her special time without making them feel like they are not as important? Or should she just leave them out entirely?

It is perfectly acceptable to send out wedding announcements to let all friends and family know about the exciting news. These are not invitations, just simple note cards saying that a couple is planning to get married. Many people cannot invite all their friends and family due to budget restraints, and this is a good way to share the good news with all.

Valerie, do I have to have the same number of groomsmen and bridesmaids?

Always remember: you do not have to do anything. Weddings are a very special time, and the friends and family you ask to be part of it should always be the most special people in your life. It really does not matter how many attendants you have on each side — just keep in mind how the placement will look. If your attendants are not of the same number, you may want to vary the traditional formation at the altar. You can also add functions for friends if there are people you want to be part of the wedding but you would prefer to keep the attendants balanced. You can have any number of ushers for male friends, and for female friends you can have a guest book attendant, gift table attendant, greeters at the reception, or additional flower girls. Your attendants will feel special no matter what you have selected them to do. They just want to be part of your special day.

Valerie, how can we save money on the reception?

There are many ways to save money on your reception. If you are planning to serve a meal, you can save a lot of money by having a luncheon as opposed to a dinner. You can save even more by having your reception in the mid-afternoon and serving something like a high tea or light hors d'oeuvres. Many reception sites will offer discounts on off dates. If you will consider a Sunday or a holiday, vendors may be willing to discount their price. This applies to most of your vendors, not just your reception site — ask your DJ and florist if they offer discounts for less popular days as well. Another way to cut costs is to have your wedding out of town and keep your guest list to a minimum. You can still send out announcements to let everyone know you are getting married, but you will not need to invite them all to the wedding.

Valerie, how can I get an inexpensive wedding dress?

Some of the places to get great prices on a gown are thrift stores, eBay, or bridal outlet stores. You can also take a picture of a very expensive gown from a magazine to your dry cleaner and most likely get a referral to someone who can make the dress for far less than the magazine price. Wedding gowns are also available for rental and fitted for a small additional cost. Your gown is one of the most important aspects of your wedding and you want to feel perfect. Look around until you find just what you want, then do the research to get the best price.

Valerie, how can I save money on the honeymoon?

The best way to save money on the cost of your honeymoon is to try to get others to help you pay for it. When we recently got married, my husband and I created our own honeymoon gift registry. Instead of registering at department stores, you can indicate the items you want for your trip and ask your guests to purchase them on your site. We were able to fund 90 percent of our wonderful cruise through gifts from friends and family. A couple of additional ways to save: wait until just before you leave to book something — lots of travel packages are greatly reduced about a month before the trip — and you can also book reduced-rate vacations on eBay if you keep an eye out for ads from people who need to sell a trip they have decided not to take.

Valerie, I think place card holders are very expensive. As pretty as they make things look, I just cannot afford them. Is there any other way to hold the place cards and still have them look neat?

You can find very inexpensive and cute paper place cards without holders at Hallmark and wedding stores. Very seldom do any of my brides use holders — they just use the place cards by themselves. Many brides even make their own place cards on their computer at home.

Valerie, I live in Louisiana and I want to have a nighttime wedding with lots of candles during the summer. I would really like to avoid the expenditure of serving dinner. How late or early should the wedding be, and is it polite to only serve cake at a nighttime wedding?

Dinner hour is generally between 5:30 p.m. and 8:00 p.m. If you want to serve just cake, I would recommend having your reception after 8:00 p.m. It is also a good idea to indicate on the invitation that “cake and punch will be served.” This will trigger your guests to understand there will not be a dinner and they will eat prior to your reception. The day is about you getting married, not what you eat — so relax and enjoy.

Valerie, I need to know what the groom's parents are responsible for as far as the wedding and the reception.

Traditionally the groom's parents are responsible for the rehearsal dinner, and that is about it. Way back when, they also paid for the honeymoon, but that is no longer really something they are obligated to do. Today it really depends on the financial situation of the bride and groom and their relationship with their parents. More couples are picking up the tab for the entire event. Whatever help you receive should be greatly appreciated.

Valerie, I am a divorced mother being remarried in May. Would the traditional white dress be OK to wear, or do I need to wear a cream color dress? With my first marriage I never had a wedding, so this is all new to me.

There are varying opinions on the wearing of white for a second marriage, but my personal belief is in doing whatever will make you happy. It is your wedding and should be exactly as you dream it. I would suggest the color that you feel the best and prettiest wearing. Look through bridal magazines and you will be amazed at the varying colors and styles that are available. If you have always wanted a traditional white gown, then my advice is to go for it.

Valerie, what other types of music can the bride walk down the aisle to besides “Here Comes the Bride”?

You can use any music you like as you walk down the aisle, as long as the church you are married in does not object to it. I have seen a huge variety of music used for services — anything from harpists to a live band performing as the bride enters. It is truly up to your personal preference. I would suggest looking on some of the music sites on the internet if you do not already have something in mind.

Valerie, do all my bridesmaids have to wear the same dress?

The most important thing to remember in planning your wedding is that it is your wedding. Everything should be just as you want it to be. While it is traditional for all of your attendants to be in the same attire, it is definitely not essential. Many weddings have themes, or even a variety of colors based on seasons or favorite shades of the bride. Many brides allow their attendants to select the style of dress as long as the color is the same. Women have such varying body types and shapes that not all of your girls are going to look and feel good in the same dress. Many bridal shops carry two-piece bridesmaid gowns with alternating tops and bottoms. You can go on a shopping trip with your party and have everyone try the style that feels good to them. When picking out your dresses, keep in mind how you want everyone to look standing up at the altar. What vision do you have that your guests are going to see? It is also a nice touch to have the maid of honor in a different style or color than the other women.

Valerie, how do you seat people at the reception?

There are many different options. The simplest is open seating, where everyone just seats themselves. If you like, you can have a few reserved tables next to the head table for family members — be sure to let those guests know ahead of time. Because family structures can be so diverse, sometimes open seating will not work. You may not want a stepparent seated with someone they may feel uncomfortable with, or ex-spouses to be near each other. If this is the case, you can have tables numbered and provide place cards for your guests. This gives you control of where everyone is seated. Your reception facility should be able to provide you with a diagram of tables with numbers, and you would then be responsible for providing the place cards and making the seating assignments.

Valerie, I went away to get married. Can I come home and have a reception and a renewal of vows? I did not have a bridal shower — can I have one even if I already got married? I feel as if I missed out.

I would say yes to both of your questions. You can plan another ceremony and reception, or just a reception since you are already married, to invite your friends and family now that you are home. This is actually common for people who attended college far from home or have a long-distance relationship. The shower can be set up just prior to your reception, or if you end up not having the reception you can just send invitations to say “Michele got married — join us in giving her a belated shower now that she is home.”

Valerie, I am single and I have never been invited to weddings addressed to me “and guest.” My friend argues that it is okay to respond with two attendees even though the invitation did not read “and guest.” What is your take?

I agree it is somewhat rude not to include the word “guest” when sending invitations to a single person. However, as far as protocol is concerned, you are welcome to bring a guest. Most people use the guidelines listed where the invitations were purchased, and examples of invitations for single people are usually shown with the single name. I understand your frustration, but your friend is right — you should feel free to RSVP for yourself and a guest. It is also a good idea to include the name of your guest in the event place cards are used.

Valerie, I am the mother of the bride. I have a budget of $7,000 for the reception. The groom has chosen a venue that costs that entire amount — just for rental. No flowers, no food, no bar, no DJ, no photographer. He is insisting we have the wedding there and is causing friction between my daughter and me. How do I convince him to stop interfering with the plans?

It is very generous of you to extend a budget of $7,000 to your daughter and her fiancé. If they cannot agree on a venue that works in that price range, then I think you should let them know you will contribute that amount and they can do what they will. This gives you the opportunity to contribute what you wish but leaves the ball in their court. If the groom wants this venue so badly, then he can pay for the food. I do not suggest trying to force the issue, as this will only cause you additional stress at an already stressful time. Simply say: here is the $7,000 I have to give you, and I just want you to be happy. You will ultimately feel better.

Valerie, my daughter is not having drinking or dancing at her reception. The wedding is at noon and the sit-down dinner reception is at one o'clock. Do you have any ideas of other things to do at the reception besides eat?

There are the usual traditional things that generally take place at a reception even when there is no dancing scheduled. The cake cutting, bouquet and garter toss, and traditional toasts will take up some time. Of course, just having friends and family together to visit and catch up will be nice for the guests. If you want to do something additional, sometimes people have entertainment at wedding receptions. Different cultures have dancers or other types of performers to entertain their guests. Event companies can assist you in finding something that would be fun and appropriate.

Valerie, my fiancé and I are planning a sit-down dinner for the reception. I know we are supposed to invite all of the paid professionals — florist, harpist, director — to the wedding, but are they also to attend the dinner reception? Do I need to include their families?

The only vendors you need to serve at your reception are the ones who actually provide a service at the reception. For example, you do not need to invite the florist and baker, since their work is complete before the reception begins. Vendors like the DJ and coordinator should get an invitation, but you do not need to include a guest or their families unless they are friends and you wish to do so. It is also perfectly acceptable to serve the vendors a different, less expensive meal during a time when they may take a break — lots of brides will order a separate sandwich display for the band members instead of having them eat with the guests. It is really a matter of personal preference. You are not obligated to your vendors; they are there to provide a service that you are paying for.

Valerie, I am having issues already about the guest list and the wedding is 13 months away. My fiancé has a very large family and is insistent that he invite everyone — well over 100 people, some of whom he only sees once a year or less. My parents are paying and have given us a set budget. He does not think it is fair that I ask him to cut down the list.

Finances are probably the most problematic part of planning your wedding. It is very stressful for everyone to spend the kind of money a wedding takes these days. You should feel special that your fiancé wants all of his family to see him marry you — it is a special day for both of you and his feelings need to be considered. The two of you need to have some serious discussions about how to make this work. You do have 13 months to save up for it. I would suggest you sit down together, create a realistic budget, and see where you can save. Chances are good that if your fiancé does not see these family members, they will not come to the wedding — it is also expensive to attend one. If 50 percent end up not coming, you will have that extra money for your honeymoon or your new life together. Another option would be to limit the number of guests to fit the budget you have already created and split the number 50/50. You will probably both have to cut your lists, but that would be a fair way to go.

Valerie, can the groom wear something different from the groomsmen?

Of course. This is a big day for the groom as well, and he should stand out from his groomsmen. The most traditional way to offset the groom is to have him in white and the groomsmen in black. A couple of more modern approaches: give him a different neckpiece, perhaps an ascot instead of the traditional bow tie, or have the groom wear a colorful vest or tie and cummerbund. Just like the bride, the most important thing for the groom is to be comfortable and feel like he looks great.

Valerie, neither of us is very religious. I know that you can hire an officiant, but we were thinking of asking my uncle to do it. I am told he can get ordained online, and really it is just the marriage certificate that counts. Is this true? Do you think this is a good idea?

A person who does not possess a license to marry people cannot legally marry you. Perhaps you could have an officiant marry you in a very brief ceremony and then have your uncle speak and do the ceremony you want directly after. Another option would be to have a civil ceremony prior to your wedding — then you would already be legally married and could have any kind of ceremony you want with your uncle presiding.

Valerie, I asked my sister to be my maid of honor because I do love her very much, but she has not really done anything at all to help me. My best friend is also a maid of honor and I would like to have her first. Is this wrong of me? And is it wrong to have two maids of honor?

No, it is not wrong to have two primary attendants. It is your wedding and it should be set up as you wish. The only thing I can suggest regarding your sister's lack of urgency is to sit down with her and discuss what your expectations are from your maid of honor. Perhaps you could approach it by asking what responsibilities she would like your best friend to take. I hope everything works out, and congratulations.

Valerie, I am the mother of the bride and my daughter has a girlfriend whom she loves dearly, but she is a quadriplegic and is bedridden. She can sit up in her wheelchair, just not for an extended period. My daughter really wants her in the wedding party as a bridesmaid. I thought that maybe we could have her sit up front near the bridesmaids as an honorary. Is this proper or not?

Your daughter sounds like a lovely woman, and if she wants this dear friend in her wedding, I think that is great. While weddings are steeped in tradition, there are many modifications and personalizations in most weddings to suit the individual bride and groom. It sounds like the options are somewhat limited due to the circumstances of your daughter's friend. Having her sit up front in her chair seems like it would work. There is no question of what is proper or not proper in this situation. It is just a matter of what is important to your daughter on her very special day. I always advise my clients to plan their weddings as close as possible to the way they have always dreamed about them, and to have the people who love them around them.

Valerie, what can we do to make sure everything goes on schedule?

The best advice I can offer regarding keeping things on schedule is to not stress. There are so many variables and so many people involved that your timing is bound to be off a few minutes either way. The biggest problem I have run across with timing is the photographers — there is usually an amount of time set aside for pictures, and this usually runs over. If timing is very important to you, be sure you make this clear to all of your vendors so they can assist you. It is also a good idea to assign a family member or friend to help in this area. All of the people who work with weddings on a regular basis are very used to timing being off by a bit. There is no need to worry excessively if you are running a few minutes behind. Try to relax and enjoy your day.

Valerie, my best friend and the groom do not get along. I want my best friend to be a groomsman but I do not think my fiancé will allow it. How can I get him to say yes?

What you need to determine is how much discomfort your fiancé will have with him being in the wedding. The other thing to consider is that traditionally the groomsmen stand up for the groom, not the bride. It might be a good idea to think of another way to have your friend be part of your wedding — perhaps as an usher only. When making these kinds of decisions it is so important that both you and your fiancé are comfortable and happy with your choices. Sit down and talk it out to see what you can come up with that works for both of you.

Valerie, can a florist get the flowers I want even if they are out of season?

Like all things for your special day, you can have anything for a price. Most florists get their flowers fresh from the local flower mart, and they will try to sell you what is in season at the time of your wedding — this is the most cost-effective way to purchase flowers. However, if you have your heart set on a specific flower that may be out of season, florists can ship overnight with excellent cooling systems from all over the world. Somewhere out there your special flowers are available and can be there for your wedding. Keep in mind they will be at a higher price.

Valerie, should I be worried about how my guests will dress?

Generally, people know to dress up for a wedding, particularly if it is an evening event. If you have friends or family that you are concerned about, there is nothing wrong with specifying attire on your invitation. You do this by adding a line towards the bottom that says “this is a formal occasion” or something along those lines. Sometimes people will have a more casual reception on the beach or out of doors — it is a good idea to specify that beach wear or casual attire would be appropriate for such a venue.

Dear Valerie, I want to have my dog in the wedding but I am having trouble finding a place that allows a dog. Any suggestions?

I have had clients at a couple of different hotels who had dogs in their weddings, so I am not sure why you are finding resistance. It is probably not possible for you to have animals at the reception site near food due to health reasons, but involved in the ceremony should not be a big deal. Be sure to let the facility manager know that you just want your dog to be part of the ceremony, and then he or she is taken home or put in a carrier for the reception portion of your day.

Dear Valerie, I am in a very sensitive position as the stepmother of the groom and do not know where I am to be seated at the head table, or if I am to be at the head table at all. My stepson's biological mother will be there. In Joe's 25 years, I have been in the picture since he was four, and his mother walked away 24 years ago and only appears sporadically.

This is a sensitive situation, but it is not an unusual one. Most families in these times have multiple parents and potentially awkward situations regarding family issues. As far as the head table or bridal table, it is generally the bridal party and not the family who is seated there. In most cases, the family and very special guests are seated at reserved tables nearest the head table. It would be appropriate for you to be seated at a reserved table with your husband, and Joe's biological mother to be seated at a separate reserved table with perhaps aunts and uncles or other close family. It is of course always the decision of the bride and groom as to how they want the family seated.

Dear Valerie, my fiancé and I have been looking forward to our wedding for over two years, but his sister just got engaged and set her date five weeks after ours. I feel like this is stealing our glory. Out-of-town guests now have to choose. Am I wrong? How should I handle this?

Wow. I have to agree with you that setting a date five weeks after yours is very inconsiderate. I would suggest having a family meeting with your fiancé's parents, the two of you, and his sister and her fiancé. Your concerns are quite valid and should be addressed. Not only will many out-of-town guests be forced to make a choice due to financial restraints, but local guests may not be able to afford both. The strongest argument in your favor is that you have been engaged for two years and the two of them just became engaged. If they have their hearts set on a July date, then they should wait until July of the following year. Two family weddings within weeks of each other is bound to cause emotional and financial stress for everyone. This is not the environment you want surrounding your wedding.

Dear Valerie, we are getting married in Vegas. When we get back to our hometown, we are having a dinner party in a first-class restaurant. Is it good etiquette to have our guests pay their own way?

When asking friends and family to celebrate your marriage, it is proper etiquette to pay for your guests. If you are on a budget, perhaps a potluck party would be just as fun. Congratulations and good luck.

Dear Valerie, I was recently asked to be best man at my friend's wedding. As a woman, I am not sure what the proper etiquette would be as far as dress. What should I be calling myself? How do I handle the bachelor party?

How cool that your friend asked you to stand up as best man. I would assume the responsibilities would be the same, but I would simply ask what they would like you to wear. My feeling is that everyone should design and execute their own wedding day in the manner that will make them the most happy. You can refer to yourself as “standing up for” this person rather than the best man. As far as the bachelor party — again, I would ask what would be the most fun for your friend to celebrate the last days of bachelorhood.

Dear Valerie, we live in Minnesota but I am from New York. Almost his entire family is in Minnesota, whereas a lot of my family is spread out around the country and my parents and friends are in New York. Where should the wedding be? I have heard it is tradition to have the ceremony in the bride's hometown, but that does not seem to be the easiest option.

You do have a predicament as far as location. You are correct that traditionally the wedding and reception are held in the bride's hometown. Sometimes couples will have two receptions to accommodate family across the country. It really depends on what is most important to you as a couple. If having your family and friends present is very important to you, you may want to consider having two receptions. If you would be happy with just those closest to you attending, then a destination wedding would be great. I am a huge advocate of destination weddings for many reasons — you will save a ton of money on all aspects of the wedding and have a wonderful time, you will have a built-in honeymoon depending on where you choose to hold your ceremony, and anyone you do invite to attend will be delighted to have a vacation as well.

Dear Valerie, because of availability the reception is not following immediately after the ceremony. Is this OK?

Having the reception delayed is okay, and happens quite often. I have to be honest and tell you that I do not recommend this to my brides. When there are two or more hours between wedding and reception, you lose guests from the wedding who simply go home because they do not want to wait around, or you have guests who do not go to the ceremony at all and just show up for the reception. If you are fine with those two situations, then there is no reason not to proceed as you have planned.

Dear Valerie, do I need a wedding coordinator?

Oh dear, this is a touchy subject. Wedding coordinators can be anything from wonderful to useless. Think about how much time and energy you have to put into your wedding and whether you want to be very hands-on throughout the process. Wedding coordinators are generally for people who have no time and do not want to make all the decisions. Most locations for your wedding and reception have built-in staff to help you with most of the essential functions of your big day. Catering facilities, hotels, and other reception sites will generally have a large list of vendors that they can refer you to for everything you need. If you have an unlimited budget and really want an expert's advice and assistance, I would say a wedding coordinator is for you. Otherwise, use the people you are already paying to advise you and help you with your plans. Weddings are a relatively small industry, and we all know someone who does whatever it is you may desire for your big day.